Chris NYE 2010 - I hate hog-paws!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Monday, September 21, 2009
How to piss Pops Off
Some days even I have to swallow my "do good by everyone" philosophy and choose sides, and thats how you piss off Pops.
Long story short, what does Superman do when he's faced with saving the world from nuclear holocaust or saving Lois from an earthquake in San Francisco? Well even Superman chose humanity over his genital delights. The difference between Superman and Husbands is the fact that the schmuck never married Lois and all husbands learn at one point or another that the Queens safety, happyness, and satisfaction are truly what brings delight to every living day.
Why do I ramble on and on you may ask? Well nothing more pisses off Pops then not seeing things and then not doing things his way. Word of advise to all you kids at there a happy wife is way better than a happy family. So if I piss off Pops then so be it. I bet you his wife is happy and the cycle continues.
In my next life evolution when I'm Pops I hope to be able to understand the heart of my dependent loved ones and offer comfort and guidance thru cookies and great sandwiches. One thing Pops does tremendously well is provide comfort for loved ones via memorable trips, and insatiable conersation. He has certanly set the bar quite high in affection and I'll always have fond memories of him. So if I can be a tenth of him in that region I consider a good shot. One thing Pops always says is "Work Hard, Play Hard", of which I've struggled at both. The funny part is Cookie Daddy always said "Hard work will do nothing but kill ya" and "Be good to yourself", then he died of cholesterol clogged arteries, which isn't a side effect of working at all but eating. So here's my attempt at a good life-catch-phrase "Work Hard early in your life, Get plenty of rest, Exercise daily, Eat balanced meals and Get A Hobby".
So back to pissing Pops off,
Here's my Top 10 list of things to not do piss off Pops:
Long story short, what does Superman do when he's faced with saving the world from nuclear holocaust or saving Lois from an earthquake in San Francisco? Well even Superman chose humanity over his genital delights. The difference between Superman and Husbands is the fact that the schmuck never married Lois and all husbands learn at one point or another that the Queens safety, happyness, and satisfaction are truly what brings delight to every living day.
Why do I ramble on and on you may ask? Well nothing more pisses off Pops then not seeing things and then not doing things his way. Word of advise to all you kids at there a happy wife is way better than a happy family. So if I piss off Pops then so be it. I bet you his wife is happy and the cycle continues.
In my next life evolution when I'm Pops I hope to be able to understand the heart of my dependent loved ones and offer comfort and guidance thru cookies and great sandwiches. One thing Pops does tremendously well is provide comfort for loved ones via memorable trips, and insatiable conersation. He has certanly set the bar quite high in affection and I'll always have fond memories of him. So if I can be a tenth of him in that region I consider a good shot. One thing Pops always says is "Work Hard, Play Hard", of which I've struggled at both. The funny part is Cookie Daddy always said "Hard work will do nothing but kill ya" and "Be good to yourself", then he died of cholesterol clogged arteries, which isn't a side effect of working at all but eating. So here's my attempt at a good life-catch-phrase "Work Hard early in your life, Get plenty of rest, Exercise daily, Eat balanced meals and Get A Hobby".
So back to pissing Pops off,
Here's my Top 10 list of things to not do piss off Pops:
- Take care of your business, or atleast appear as such.
- Only introduce Pops to your friends that are Taking care of business.
- When Pops is speaking you should not, and appear attentive.
- Be careful to avoid playful hazing, Pops will view it as assault and treat it as such.
- If Pops says he did or didn't say or do something, go with it.
- If you are around Pops too long it will piss him off, contact should be limited to 12 hour intervals with a minimum week separations between intervals.
- If you do not know how to do something, stear clear of assisting or helping.
- You should assist and offer to help, Pops likes go getters.
- Do not make a mistake.
- Compliment Pops frequently on his youthful exteria.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
How to get in over your head...
Pops told me about this guy he knows who's giving away his Gazeebo and Jacuzzi, nice right, well who knew I'd need a ton of tools, able minded/bodied workers, a flatbed truck and a jacuzzi repairman, maybe the Maytag Man can cut me a deal.
Didn't think I was in over my head....
So the wife and I got out to west bum f*&% Pearland to check things out and hey so what its about 2000 lbs worth of lumber, I got this, besides we can't beat the property value we'll gain by adding a 'Zeebo N 'Cuzzi. So I take some measurments and draw some swank pictures, like I knew what I was even drawing. A week later and the drawings only remind me of some freaky demonic symbols.
This is a big project but in no way am I in over my head....
Alright so K.B. is an hour late and Pops is waiting in Pearland and Chris gets off in an hour, I can make this happen. Who has the tools? Pops got tools. Pops forgot his tools. Pops pissed I'm late. What tools do we need? Where's Home Depot? I got tools. Pops rolled out. Chris rolls up. Where the hell is Pops? The hell with Pops. Lets play Bob. Who's Bob? Bob's the Builder. Can we fix it? No we can't. Lets play Stallone. Who's Stallone? Demolition Man. We made a mess. And I stabbed my leg.
Starting to think I'm in over my head....
Sheesh I can't give up now I mean I left a bunch crap wood in this guys backyard. Was this his plan all along? Nah, ok 10 days until I can remove the staples from my leg, but I have to get this done before then. Yureeka, I'll go hunting for cheap labor and play foreman. The wife says no, "We can do this with Pops, Chris and Lee and there tools and trucks." But I know, what she doesn't, they won't, can't and are incapable. I saw their eyes, the cringe in their teeth, the regret of the possiblity of even offering their service of help. I would be more upset with them if I didn't share their lack of enthusiasm.
They think I'm in over my head....
4 more days and I can shower without holding my leg outside the door. I really should be going to finish this project but the question remains, How? So my good friend calls me, "Mr. Tyson, I got a yard full of junk and a bitching wife, What are you gonna do?"
I'm in way over my head....
Didn't think I was in over my head....
So the wife and I got out to west bum f*&% Pearland to check things out and hey so what its about 2000 lbs worth of lumber, I got this, besides we can't beat the property value we'll gain by adding a 'Zeebo N 'Cuzzi. So I take some measurments and draw some swank pictures, like I knew what I was even drawing. A week later and the drawings only remind me of some freaky demonic symbols.
This is a big project but in no way am I in over my head....
Alright so K.B. is an hour late and Pops is waiting in Pearland and Chris gets off in an hour, I can make this happen. Who has the tools? Pops got tools. Pops forgot his tools. Pops pissed I'm late. What tools do we need? Where's Home Depot? I got tools. Pops rolled out. Chris rolls up. Where the hell is Pops? The hell with Pops. Lets play Bob. Who's Bob? Bob's the Builder. Can we fix it? No we can't. Lets play Stallone. Who's Stallone? Demolition Man. We made a mess. And I stabbed my leg.
Starting to think I'm in over my head....
Sheesh I can't give up now I mean I left a bunch crap wood in this guys backyard. Was this his plan all along? Nah, ok 10 days until I can remove the staples from my leg, but I have to get this done before then. Yureeka, I'll go hunting for cheap labor and play foreman. The wife says no, "We can do this with Pops, Chris and Lee and there tools and trucks." But I know, what she doesn't, they won't, can't and are incapable. I saw their eyes, the cringe in their teeth, the regret of the possiblity of even offering their service of help. I would be more upset with them if I didn't share their lack of enthusiasm.
They think I'm in over my head....
4 more days and I can shower without holding my leg outside the door. I really should be going to finish this project but the question remains, How? So my good friend calls me, "Mr. Tyson, I got a yard full of junk and a bitching wife, What are you gonna do?"
I'm in way over my head....
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